5 things everyone is doing better than me during quarantine

Look, whatever quibbles we might have had with the digital age up until now (see: Facebook election manipulation, Reddit trolls, influencer culture, and that terrifying clown emoji), I think we can all agree that we are very, very happy that computers exist right now. We’ve Skyped into meetings, classes, and church services. We’ve held virtual Zoom happy hours, birthday parties, and weddings.

But as much as technology has eased some of our loneliness and stress, it has also been illuminating in far less desirable ways. Like, for example, the fact that I now know that everyone on social media—legit everyone—is Doing It Better Than Me during quarantine. I’ve assembled a non-exhaustive list of ways I’m falling short. 

Cute athleisure-wearing

Unlike Bella Hadid, who is , I prefer to maintain a cultivated air of abandon, and not in the whimsical sense—in the “I give up” sense. As an example: I am, at this very moment, technically “at work,” being as I am writing this article. Am I ensconced in cashmere sweats and a comfortable-yet-professional blouse? Of course not. I’m wearing a hideous bathrobe, no pants, and an Apple Watch that keeps yelling at me to breathe. 

Pillow-fort-constructing

The pillow fort that was significantly larger and nicer than my first apartment, and had much better lighting and Feng shui. The closest we have gotten to a pillow fort chez moi is that day that I decided that in the service of my mental stability, I would abandon all efforts to keep the throw pillows where they are supposed to be, and allow my children to do what they’ve been trying to do for a month, which is kill them. 

Dust-bunny-slaying 

I have a five-year-old, an eight-year-old, two cats, and one puppy, and my home decor could be categorized as “tumbleweeds made out of hair and Nutella-covered toast crumbs.” I need Martha Stewart to come over with and show me her ways. 

Child-educating 

Have you seen those color-coded homeschooling schedules that everyone and Karen is posting? Yeah, I posted one, too. On DAY 2. It is now Day 3,459,935 (ish?), and if my kids emerge from this knowing how to boogie board on slime (thank you, Collins Key), I’m going to call it a win. 

Yoga-ing 

Breaking news: Turns out it wasn’t lack of time stopping me from my workouts! I just didn’t want to work out. So I’m still not doing that, despite the enthusiastic exhortations of 10,000,000 wellness influencers who want me to live my best #quarantinelife. 

Short story: Love your technology (after you wipe it down, of course). But remember that while connectivity can be fun and even vital, it’s equally critical to power down for a minute. There are many things we need to know about, but the fact that Drake has a standard-issue NBA-sized basketball court in which to suffer through lockdown is not one of them.

Adapted from by arrangement with TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. Copyright © 2020, Jordan Reid and Erin Williams.